It's been awhile

I forgot about this secret little blog of mine. It's been quite awhile. I'm wrapping up my third semester and things have calmed down quite a bit. It's no longer such a tragedy. He's shaped up quite a bit. No, I don't have a ring on my finger yet but the jury's still out on that one. The break is coming up and tickets are being booked. We'll see how this goes.

xoxo
Sam

Hw break

it's so odd, isn't it? how you can look at old pictures of an ex and feel like you had never really known them. like who were you back then? and who were they? you don't talk anymore and you really can't fathom how you even conversed then. i can't even remember what it was like to be with him. going from being so in love with someone to not even knowing them anymore. it's the strangest thing. and I'm not even sad about it. just intrigued.

i heard you last night

I heard you talking to me last night 

You thought I was asleep but

I heard almost everything

You told me you're arm was falling asleep but it was worth it

You told me you were changing 

Because I'm perfect 

I held so still and breathed really slow 

so i could hear every beautiful word of it

letter to you

a poem first:

We had become so stagnant

I had started to fade

So when you started saying it 

I wanted to mean it again

So I ran it over and over in my hands

Hoping to feel something 

like I did before you went and shattered me

Because You and i, we're made of glass

We'd never last 

i used to look past flaws. yours, mine, ours. i didn’t think there were any or if there were, i didn’t want to see them. now, it’s as if a veils been lifted and i don’t care if you leave. i know you’re just trying to run away from me. that never solves anything. you’re addicted but never knew a healthy way of showing it. its finally registering. all that you did..or “didn’t mean to do.” you’ll apologize profusely. and i won’t hear it. so i tell you to stop. because it already happened. 

i know your worst fear is me looking back and thinking that you weren’t that good of a guy and that you didn’t treat me well.

hmmm. well..

there were good times. in 2 week spurts speckled with bits of cancerous mold from which were never fully extracted from my overly giving heart. they went so deep that the festering hurt worse than the newly introduced stab of your indirect wounds. because of course you “didn’t mean to.” so i numbed myself and heard your apologies. 

i thought you were worth it.

but you could never give me 100% when i gave you 110

lets not forget you cheated because that still haunts me all the time. i get the most vivid visuals and they kill. don’t ever forget that.

lets also not forget you hung out with her when i was out of town and kept it from me until I pulled it out of you weeks later.

i believe that your idea of disrespect is slightly marred.

you beat yourself up about the thought of having your hands down my pants or the action of a dry orgasm but you hide me from your family and date her on the side. or am I the one on the side? i don’t know anymore because i have learned to never ask. you think thats okay. or thought so then.

yes, you opened my door and never failed to tell me i was pretty but i heard “I love you” more when we didn’t have a title

i could probably go on

i’m getting over the “loss”

it’s “not the right thing” and

by the grace of God, i’m falling out of love

i finally got my mind right. and i don’t want you.

we can still be friends though

i mean, you still are my best

but you just might bleed to death

I love you

I love you 

He said it

In the back of a truck

I will never forget it 

Leaning over me 

skin on skin

If this isn't love 

Then this is the closest I've ever been

In the early morning 

The moon hanging low

I love you

He said it

I could never forget it

You are the one

I thought

I will never regret this

the giver

give
give
give
give
give more
take more
am i giving enough?
are you taking it all?
because you might as well drink every last drop as long as I'm pouring
i'm talking into empty space though
i know you're receiving it but could you let me know that you heard it?
catch it
hold it
tell me you like it
that you like me
that I'm you're favorite
just like you are mine
you said you needed me
and i loved that

Help. I miss you.

Gosh, I am so not over you. Getting all this new attention is so foreign and overwhelming to me. I'm curious as to what you've been up to yet I don't want to know at all. It would kill me. Because I know what I've been doing..so what could you be doing? Why is it so hard for me to detach? You've done nothing but hurt me. Writing all of this just makes me feel dumb. You and our situation have stripped me of my ability to express myself through words. Thats a first. Ha. I want to ask you why you didn't respect me. Why you never stopped talking to her. If I mattered to you, you've would've done things so differently. You say that you cared..but you didn't. You sure didn't show it. Help. I miss you.